Thursday, January 31, 2008

Confiding in the Fear by Julia L.

The moon shone a dull, shady gold, suspended in the cloudless fall sky. A gentle zephyr rustled the leaves and gave off eerie aura. Anna and Sadie whipped around at the slightest noise, being thoroughly creeped out. Sadie took a hesitant step away from the noise, only to have it sound again. They took off running, scrambling through the thick underbrush. Adrenaline kicked in and they ran faster when they realized they were being followed. Anna stumbled on a root and was knocked unconscious. Sadie couldn’t just leave her there, but she didn’t find being murdered a good alternative. What she didn’t know was that Anna was already dead, but in the rush of the moment, Sadie didn’t dare stop and check. She stooped down and started to drag Anna into the cover of the nearby underbrush.

She heard her pursuer getting closer, and closer. Sadie had seconds before the thing was upon her. She pulled with all her strength, knowing very well that every breath might be her last. All her strength went into pulling Anna into the underbrush, all her concentration, everything she had. She knew nothing else in those moments, except for Anna and the formidable thing coming after her. She could hear it tearing through the branches above her! All of a sudden, it stopped. Sadie tentatively looked back and there it was. Black cloak, glowing green eyes, and an axe raised above its head that glinted in the moonlight. One momentary glance was all she had, until BAM! And Sadie crumpled into a lifeless heap on the ground.

***

Eight hours later, Sadie’s mom, Blare, awoke to the sweet melody of a nearby robin. She rubbed her eyes in sleepy contentment. They were camping in a literal hinterland with only the birds and the bees as company. Blare always had a passion for camping and when Sadie and Anna were born it had become a sort of tradition to come camping every fall. Blare started to prepare breakfast, hoping the smell of fresh-cooked bacon would wake the girls. Well, breakfast came and went and the girls still hadn’t wakened. Suspiciously, Blare peeked into the tent, only to find it empty. Now utterly worried, she started to call them.

“ANNA… SADIE!!” she screamed until her voice was nearly gone. In hysterics, she started to search the nearby woods. “Something is wrong, they wouldn’t have left without leaving a note and they wouldn’t be gone for so long. They know I would worry. Something must be wrong,” she thought out loud. She searched until she spotted a pool of red liquid out of the corner of her eye. It formed a little stream coming from behind a tree. She tentatively followed it until two mangled bodies came into sight.

It could not be! They came here every fall and nothing bad had every happened, but this year was different. Her two beloved daughters lying there on the ground like two worthless lumps. Blare found tears coming to her eyes, as she spotted a carved message in the tree the bodies were leaning against. As she read it tears were replaced by sheer terror.

“You are not safe. I will find you.” What was coming after her? She could not stay here. She had to; she was stuck here until Bill came to pick them up at the end of their excursion. That was a week from now. She could not leave her daughters here either. She came to the realization that she had no options, as she heard a rustling in the leaves behind her. She whipped around to see a figure in a black cloak and glowing green eyes step out of the bushes. It was almost transparent, like a spirit. It held a glinting axe dripping with blood in its hand. Blare was like a deer caught in headlights, paralyzed. As it took a step towards her, the hold keeping her there broke and she ran like a gazelle through the underbrush, adrenaline driving her along.

She could hear the spirit’s cloak rushing through the wind, but it wasn’t crashing through the underbrush as she was. Suddenly, she heard a whoosh above her head and she looked up to see the treacherous spirit flying above her. It had its glinting axe poised and ready to strike. In her terror, she screamed. Just as the spirit swung down, Blare fell. She fell down, and down, safe from the evil swing of that glinting axe. When she stopped rolling, she found that she had fallen down a steep ravine and was now hidden in the abnormally thick underbrush.

She was safe for now, but she knew she would not be safe for long. If she stayed in the same place, then she would be found and certainly killed. Blare peered through the underbrush and saw her pursuer standing watch over the ravine, like a sentry, in a tree. She could not get out of the ravine without being spotted. Blare was in a horrible predicament that guaranteed death. She considered and came to the terrifying decision that it was easier to join her beloved daughters in heaven then to run and spend her life in shame.

Blare burst through the underbrush and started running in plain sight of the mysterious spirit. It swooped down upon her and Blare stopped running. She stood facing it with no fear in her heart. She looked it straight in the eye, knowing that death was staring right back at her, but she was not scared. Those terrible glowing eyes and the jet-black cloak, a glinting axe dripping with blood in its left hand.

It slowly took a step toward her, and brought its axe up into position. “Go ahead, finish your job! I have nothing to fear!” Blare screamed at it.

“You think you are not scared of me?” it said it a slow, raspy voice that made Blare jump.

“Why should I be?” Blare answered defiantly, her confidence building with every passing second. It laughed a malicious, hollow laugh and stepped even closer. It was inches away from her as it raised its axe above its head. Just as it was about to swing, a cold choking noise came from its dry throat. Its glowing eyes dimmed and it dropped its axe. The axe landed with a thud as it grabbed at its throat. Seconds later, it was gasping for air. Suddenly, it burst into a cloud of green and black dust, covering everything in the vicinity in a fine layer of evil. Blares courage and fearlessness in the face of death had destroyed the spirit. The burst blocked out the sun for a moment until it settled and clouded the earth with its blackness. Then, an icy wind blew and carried it all away as if cleaning up the mess it made.


Blare stood there, stunned, unable to move. It came over her that she had not died and she fell to her knees. She would never see her children again. She realized she was stuck in her earthly form and a feeling of remorse and depression washed over her. As she sat there on the mossy ground, tears came to her eyes as determination faded into misery, and she burst into hysterics.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was pretty intense. It was freaky, because I could vividly picture the whole thing happening. The dude with the ax, the girls running for their lives, and thier mother finding their lifeless bodies and then Mr. Sketchy with the ax standing over her and chasing her through the woods.
At first Blare runs for her life, but then she finds courage and is no longer afraid of death, which destroys the hooded figure.
"Anna and Sadie whipped around at the slightest noise, being thoroughly creeped out." I liked the wording here, also very easy to visualize.
I think the best quailty of the story was how easy it was for me to follow along with what was happening. I could picture Blare waking up and rubbing her eyes, and the hooded figure exploding. Very cool story, but where did the thing come from, and why was it chasing them?

Anonymous said...

Nice story J.T!
I enjoyed it even more the second time! I love that you gave the sketchy ghost man an ax. You developed the plot with aplomb. The beginning was strong but the ending not so much. Way to go!

P.S. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVE the title!

Anonymous said...

hey julia,
Great job! This story was pretty scary! It reminded me of Harry Potter and I pictured the ghost spirit as a Dementor. I liked how Blare changed throughout the story, gaining more and more confidence. My favorite part was when the spirit killed the two girls. As bad as that sounds, it really surprised me, and I wanted to see how this story ended. I think your best quality was word choice. Every word was descriptive enough without being too confusing. The only advice I have is to explain why the sketchy Dementor thingy was trying to kill them. Otherwise, good job, I really enjoyed it!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, Julia your story was amazing. After reading it I felt exactly as the the mother felt. It was insane. Your story was wicked intense and I felt scared and sad as I was reading it, the same as the characters.
The main character does change. She goes from being scared, and running away from death, to facing it fearlessly. Her transformation is an important part of the story, because without it, death wouldn't have been destroyed.
My favorite part of the story was when Blare decided that she wasn't afraid to die, and she faced the hooded figure with courage. "She stood facing it with no fear in her heart. She looked it straight in the eye, knowing that death was staring right back at her, but she was not scared."
I think that this story's best quality is the attention you gave to every single detail. It gave the story depth, and kept it moving with me on the edge of my seat, fearing for the lives of all three characters.
Next time, I would try to make it more clear why the hooded figure was chasing them. I kind of guessed at why, but that part kept me wondering. Other than that, your story was amazing, and I'm glad that I decided to read it.

Anonymous said...

I thought this story was very well written, and I liked it a lot. After I read it I felt sad for Blare because she was ready to be in heaven with her daughters. This story reminded me of Harry Potter. Blare changed a lot over the course of the story. She went from a worried mother to a brave woman facing death. If Blare had not made this change she would have been killed by the ghoul, and she could have been with her children once again. My favorite part of the story is when Sadie is trying to drag Anna to safety, but then in turn gets murdered. "She knew nothing else in those moments, except for Anna and the formidable thing coming after her." I thought that this quote had great wording, and good sentence structure.
This story's best quality was the ghoul. I know I would have ran as fast as I could if there was a cloaked creature chasing me with an ax. Nest time you should consider introducing the main character in the introduction paragraph.

Anonymous said...

JT!
Amazing. Absolutely amazing. That was an intense story. Right, so I definitely think that your main character changed a lot from the beginning to the end of your story. I mean, she went from happy to worried to afraid for her life to defiant to hysterical. My favorite part was when Blare decided to face her fear and defy the figure. I think the best part of your story was the plot because it flowed nicely and kept me interested in the story. I don't think I have any suggestions, so great job!