Thursday, January 31, 2008

Shark Bait by Lorna M-R

It moved swiftly and slowly causing gentle ripples to emerge beyond the surface. Its sharp turns and quick movements were graceful and beautiful. This creature was a monster. Its beauty would fool no sailor. 22 feet long, your worst nightmare. It never sleeps nor does it stop searching. It is a cold-blooded killer and whatever it sees becomes its prey.

“Come on Astrid! The boat is getting ready to leave!” Apollo screamed at his younger, more naïve sister. “Hold on, I’m busy doing business over here!” She yelled at her impatient brother. She was trying to get a merchant on Nantucket to lower his price on a handmade beaded bracelet. Apollo dashed over to her and grabbed her by the hand. “You are 13 years old, not 2, now let’s go!” He dragged her over to where the boat was loading. It was a quaint, blue fishing boat that would be taking Astrid and her family fishing for the next 8 days. The horn wailed loud and scared a few seagulls from the deck. Astrid rushed into a small room below the main deck and claimed her bed. Apollo didn’t care what bed she wanted, he wasn’t planning on sleeping for the next few days anyway.

“I want all ye people to gather ‘round,” Said Captain Kramer Sullivan. Astrid’s mother Marianna and father Tucker gathered their children and held them by their shoulders. Astrid squirmed, she didn’t want to feel like a kid anymore, she wanted to feel free on the boat trip. Her parents would always know where she was, but she would be able to roam free without her parents or her annoying older brother by her side. “I want you to listen and listen carefully. There is a monster lurking out there. He’s big enough to bring down this whole boat. If you see a fin, or any murky water while we’re out here, you let me know. I want to go home with all of you in this here fishing boat. You hear me?” Captain Sullivan looked very serious, and Astrid was all of a sudden very scared of this trip. She wanted to go home, but she knew her brother would kill her if she ruined his fishing trip. “Dad, let’s go bait our rods!” Apollo yelled to his father. “Sure son, let’s go,” said Tucker to his over-excited son. Tucker had been on these waters before and knew first hand about the beast that was lurking.

Later that evening, Astrid was dangling her feet over the edge, yelling at her cell phone to get reception. “Sweetie, you better bring your feet up here, the sharks might nibble your toes, feeding time is soon you know,” Marianna said sarcastically. Tucker had told Marianna that there was a Great White Shark that had been terrorizing Nantucket for longer than he could remember, but she didn’t believe him. “Mom, let’s go watch Jaws, and pretend like we actually believe that crap about sharks eating whole boats and stuff,” Astrid spoke jokingly to her mother. “I wouldn’t want to sit out here and get eaten whole!” On the other end of the boat Tucker and Apollo sat quietly feeling small nibbles on their lines. All of a sudden, Apollo saw a huge dark spot appear on the surface, and the nibbles ceased. “Dad, I think I should go get Captain Sullivan, I think the beast is here.” Apollo ran into the Captain’s cabin, “He’s here, isn’t he? I knew he would never stop terrorizing me. We need to make sure the women are inside, and you should get inside also. Your father and I will take care of this mess.” The Captain had terror in his eyes, and Apollo saw past his tough exterior.

Astrid decided to see what the racket was about, while Marianna slept inside, she eased out of her cabin and on to the main deck. The Captain and Tucker were too busy to notice her hanging half her body over the edge, staring into the dark water. Out of the rippling cloud rose a head of tremendous size and jaws larger than her poor helpless body. She let out a whimper as he engulfed her whole and left only a large pool of blood for her family to see. Tucker heard a cry as he found Marianna bawling over the blood splattered all over the deck. “Where is she?! My baby, she’s gone,” Marianna cried out over the boats rumbling engine. “We need to get off of here!” Apollo screamed at the top of his lungs as he lost his balance and tumbled into the dark water. The black cloud reappeared and as quickly as Apollo surfaced, he was swallowed just like his younger sister. Marianna sat on the edge of the boat bawling and Tucker stood in silence with the captain.

“Let’s get this thing out of here before there’s no one left,” Captain Sullivan said to Tucker. Tucker frantically started the boats engine and directed it back towards the shore. My grandfather used to tell me that story often, and told me to be aware of the beasts that lurk beyond the surface. If you are smart you will be more cautious than Astrid and Apollo were.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lorna,
This story was well written, the story left me thinking why.? why didn't Astrid and Apollo listen to the captain. I could see the story going on in my head like i was watching a movie. The main character (Astrid) didn't change throughout the story. She thought that she was smarter than others and she did only what she wanted to do, like dangle her feet off the boat. My favorite part was when the shark came to the boat and there was a lot of description. I think that the story's best quality was the way you made the description so strong and it put an image in the reader's head. My advice for you is to introduce the character more so you really know a lot about them like they were real.

Anonymous said...

Lorna,
I really liked your story. There was a lot of detail, so I could clearly see everything happening in my head.
The main character didn't change throughout the story, and I think that was good because I got to know what she was like so that I could predict what was going to happen. My favorite part of the story was probably when the girl got eaten, because she should have known better than to do that and it was her own fault why she got eaten.
The best quatlity was all the description you used so that I could see everything happening.
I don't think I would change anything because I liked how you summed everything up.
Good job!