Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lost by Rachel L.


The car rolled to a stop. A heavy steam was fogging the view. Dean got out to check the car and Ken followed.

“I think the engine is shot,” Ken said. Dean tried to get the car started, but all it did was make a horrendous hissing noise. Dean and Ken were brothers. They lived in a small town in the quiet hills of Vermont. They had gone out to the bar to have a few drinks. On their way home they didn’t realized that they took a wrong turn a while back and were completely lost. Ken took out his cell phone. He had little service and his battery was almost dead. He decided to shut it off and use it where there was better service. Dean and Ken began to walk along the dirt road. It was a cool, cloudy night and they needed to find a safe place to stay.

After an hour or so of walking, it began to rain. They were getting drenched when they came across an old beaten down barn. It looked as if it had been abandoned for years. Ken turned on his cell phone. He had to make it quick. He dialed 911. A friendly voice answered but got cut off by the sound of Ken’s phone powering down.

“Damn it,” said Ken, “Hopefully they can trace the call.” The boys tried to dry their clothes and get warm. For some reason the barn had a certain chill to it. They figured they should rest a bit to regain their strength and continue in the morning to look for help. It was hard for them to fall asleep. They lay close to each other to keep warm.

Strange noises kept them awake. It sounded as if there was someone pacing back and forth up on the second story of the barn. The noises seemed to be getting louder and harder. They were both frightened by this. Talking in a whisper they decided that Ken would go up the ladder and see what was happening. Ken slowly climbed up the rickety old ladder which could barely support him. He rolled over on to the top of the loft. Dean could no longer see him from the ground. It was silent for a moment. Dean called up to Ken asking him if he saw anything. Ken didn’t answer. Dean, concerned for his brother, decided to climb the ladder to go after Ken. Dean reached the top and looked at Ken. He was just standing there stunned looking at the dark, dusty corner of the barn. Dean quickly looked over and didn’t believe his eyes as a pale figure was forming. Bright yellow eyes were staring back at the brothers. Short and stubby legs moved towards them. Finally recovering from their paralyzed state, they jumped from the second story. Dean fell first and cushioned Ken’s fall. Ken darted for the barn door, but then he noticed that Dean wasn’t following him. He looked back. Dean’s knee was sprained and he could barely move. Ken rushed back to help him. Once they got Dean to his feet, they eventually made it to the door. When they were a good distance from the barn, Dean laid down to rest.

“What the hell was that?” asked Dean.

“I have no clue,” answered Ken, “do you hear something?” The siren of a police car comforted the brothers. The car pulled up next to them. Ken told the policeman about their car that had been broken down and asked if he would be able to give them a ride home. The policeman agreed. Ken and Dean got into the back of the car. The policeman asked Dean how he hurt his leg. Dean began telling him about their trip looking for shelter and how they came across the barn.

“Wait, did you see something there?” asked the policeman, “There used to be an old crazy man that lived up there. He never left his barn for anything. He went insane and eventually died. People say that his sprit still haunts the place.”

Ken and Dean looked at each other and nodded to each other, but did not respond.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachel,
Your story was very thrilling. I felt a little sad for the old man after reading your story. I felt bad that he had to live alone, but a little creeped out from the image that came into my head of what the old man looked liked. So that means you had a great description. I don't think your main characters changed. They may now believe in ghosts though.

My favorite part in the story was when it said, "A friendly voice answered but got cut off by the sound of Ken’s phone powering down. “Damn it,” said Ken." I liked that part, becuase it was funny how that always seems to happen to me, when I need to make an important phone call. I think the conflict was the tale's best quality, becuase if thier car hadn't broke down then they never would have gone to the barn. I have no really good advice, but I do have a question. Is it really possible to srang your knee?

Anonymous said...

Rachel-
Your story was really interesting. I liked when you described the ghost forming. That image really stuck with me. Your story wasn't really about character change, but more about plot. It's good you didn't make the characters undergo change because then you would have lost focus on what was really important which was the plot. My favorite part of the story was when the brothers got out of the barn because I didn't want them to be stuck in there and die. My favorite line was "The car rolled to a stop. A heavy steam was fogging the view." because it was a great hook sentence. That really got me interested in reading your story in the first place. I think the best quality of your story was that you didn't spend time talking abuot unnecessary things. you got right to the point and the story moved along really nicely. Maybe next time you could work on your conclusion a little more because I felt like the story kind of just stopped but didn't really end. But overall, I thought your story was really fun to read! Great job!

Anonymous said...

Rachel!!
Your story was really good. I felt a wave of excitement when Ken and Dean saw the ghost. When that part came it had really good description and it made me feel intrigued.
My favorite part was when it said "Dean reached the top and looked at Ken. He was just standing there stunned looking at the dark, dusty corner of the barn. Dean quickly looked over and didn’t believe his eyes as a pale figure was forming. Bright yellow eyes were staring back at the brothers. Short and stubby legs moved towards them." I had good detail and it creeped me out.
The only thing I would suggest is probably lengthening the conclusion. But overall, it was a really great story!

Anonymous said...

As I was reading your story i got the chills. It made me feel scared. Your story kept me on the edge of my seat. I couldn't wait to read what was going to happen next. I dont think your main characters had changed at all. it was important that they didn't change becausethey had to survive on their for a few days.
My favrtie part of the story is when they see yellow eye on the second floor of the barn. i thought it was at the perfect moment. i definetly didnt see it coming. i think your storys best quality is description and imagery. i could picture and feel what was going on in the story. i dont have any advice yo give. nice job!

Anonymous said...

Rachel,
Wow, great job! I really liked how you described the figure in the barn. All that I can remember is the yellow eyes. It made me think about haunted buildings and houses that I see on tv. The characters change in the story because seeing the ghost in the barn made them have a better perspective on the afterlife in a way.
My favorite part of the story was in the resolution because it answered the questions about why there was a ghost in the barn. “There used to be an old crazy man that lived up there. He never left his barn for anything. He went insane and eventually died. People say that his sprit still haunts the place.”I think the stories best strength was it's description because when they saw the figure it was described as pale and yellow eyes. The way the barn was described fit the story perfectly too. Next time I would suggest that you look at your choice of vocabulary. Overall good job!

Anonymous said...

hey Rachel!
Wow. That was a pretty freaky story! I was really sketched out by your description of the old man and I thought you did a really good job with all of the descriptions in the story. I don't think your characters really changed that much since they didn't really have to. Maybe they learned to not sleep in random abandoned barns anymore. My favorite part of the story was when the call got cut off and he had to hope that the call could be traced. That always happens to me! I thought it made the story more realistic. I wouldn't give you any advice because I think you did a great job!

Anonymous said...

RAchel I thought your story was well written. It kept me readiing all the way through. You described things very well. Your character didn't really change over time.
My favorite caharacter was the old man. My image of him makes me laugh. You did a great job making him up! Nice Story.

Anonymous said...

I thought that this was a very entertaining and well-written story, Rachel. It reminded me of times when I've been lost, and the feeling that I got. The main characters don't really change in your story, but they don't have to.
My favorite part of the story was when you described the creature that was hiding in the barn. "Bright yellow eyes were staring back at the brothers." is an example of the clever description you use in this section.
The best quality of this story overall was how you used suspense to make the reader anxious about the main characters. It felt like a mystery in some places, and a drama in others. I would try to make the resolution a little more satisfying, but other than that it was an excellent story.