It took only one shot, a scream echoed through the woods. The lifeless body hit the ground with a thud, the only sound in the now silent forest. Then, there was a laugh. A long, shrill laugh that bounced off every surface and scared away the few birds left in the forest. Next, silence again, except for the dull crunching of footsteps walking through the leaves. “Who can I call?” Diana wondered aloud as she slowly paced her bedroom floor. “Eric!” she said softly. “Eric? Is that you?” Diana whispered as she held the phone closer to her ear. She heard a muffled reply on the other end and assumed it was a yes. “I am so sorry to call you this early in the morning, but I really need your help. I’m running away. I can’t take this crummy little town anymore.”
She heard Eric breath in deeply as he replied, “What will your grandmother say?” but when she didn’t answer, he asked “What can I do?” She explained to him that she was leaving the next night after her grandmother fell asleep. He didn’t need to worry about what her grandmother would say, she would explain everything in the note that she was leaving for her. After a while, Eric agreed to come and get her that night and agreed to let her stay with him for the duration of her senior year.
Sitting around anxiously was the hardest part, she thought to herself, trying to calm her nerves and make it seem like nothing was wrong as her grandmother said goodnight and slowly made her way up the stairs. Diana quickly went up after her, pulling her into a tight hug at the top of the stairs. Her grandmother gave her a bewildered look, but just shrugged and shut her bedroom door. Diana grabbed her two bags from her room and snuck down the stairs. She took the note from her pocket and put it on top of the television remote, the first thing her grandmother would see the next morning.
Eric was sitting in the driveway at midnight, the planned pick up time. His house was an hour drive from hers and she had brought a pillow to sleep with in the car. He said hello and she climbed into the back seat, softly crying herself to sleep.
“Diana, get up.” Eric was shaking her awake, frantically looking behind him as she slowly opened her eyes. “Come on, get up!” he shouted as she rolled over and sat up.
“What’s wrong, Eric. Are we already there?” she asked, trying to stretch in the tiny car. She wiped at her tear-stained face and looked up at him, searching his face for a smile.
“No, come on, we need to get out of here, now.” She looked out through the front windshield and saw two small lights coming towards them.
“Who are they?” Diana asked as Eric pulled her out of the back seat and onto her feet. “What are we doing Eric; this is the middle of nowhere. Why aren’t we at your house yet? What’s happening?” Diana tried to pull away as Eric tugged at her arm, trying to pull her behind the tall embankment separating the road and the forest.
“I’ll explain later,” he whispered as she finally gave in and went along with him. The two lights slowly grew bigger as Diana peered around the wall, trying to figure out where they were coming from. Suddenly, she saw them. Two figures in long, black trench coats were walking down the eerily quiet street. She tried to gasp, but Eric covered her mouth, shaking his head and trying to pull her back to the hidden side of the wall. She shook loose and continued to watch the men who were quickly approaching the car shining what seemed to be flashlights on the license plates and on the inside. When they reached the car, they slowly picked their way through the backseat, making note of the makeshift bed on the floor. Eric was tugging at her arm again, pulling her back farther into the forest.
“They have to be around here somewhere,” the taller one began, “he wouldn’t just leave his car.” He kicked the tires and pulled out Diana’s bag. “He’s taking the girl with her. Is she going willingly or did he take?” he asked the second man who was walking toward the embankment. Diana didn’t understand what all of that could possibly leave. She knew her grandmother couldn’t have found the note that quickly, she never got up in the middle of the night. What could those strange men mean?
“Diana!” Eric whispered at her, still tugging insistently at her arm. She turned and followed him, deeper and deeper through the trees as the conversation between the two men died away.
“Explain Eric, now. Why’d you wake me up in the middle of nowhere! We are not even close to your house! Who were those men? Were they talking about me going willingly or unwillingly? What is happening here Eric!” Diana’s voice was getter louder with each word. Eric covered her mouth again and sat her down against a tree.
“Stay here,” he whispered, “and be quiet. I’ll be right back.” He walked back toward the road for a few minutes as Diana tried to calm herself down, thousands of questions running through her head. As she began to calm down, Eric reappeared behind her, trying to pull her up off the ground.
“Eric! I’m afraid. What are you doing?” Eric was pulling her deeper into the woods, looking behind Diana every few steps. “Eric! Answer me right now or I’m turning right around and going back to the car! I don’t care who those men are anymore! I want to go home.” Diana sat down on the ground, crossed her legs, and began to cry. “I want to go back, Eric. I want to go home. What is going on?”
Eric stopped, peered around the nearest tree, and finally looked at Diana. “Look, honey. There’s something I need to tell you.” He walked around Diana and made a move to sit down, but stopped himself. “I’ve been lying to you.” He turned away from her, looking off into the dark forest. “I’m not who I said I was. I wasn’t the football star in my old school, I wasn’t the scholar, and I wasn’t class president.
“Wait, what? You killed him? Does that mean that those were police officers back there? Do they think you took me and killed me?” She took a step backward, stumbling over a root. Eric took a step toward her.
“Yes, but they are somewhat correct. I didn’t take you, but I am going to kill you. You know too much now, you know where I am, what I’ve been doing, and what I’ll be doing next.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small revolver.
6 comments:
Emma
I thought your story was awesome! I liked how you put the first paragraph at the end of your story too. A lot of people don’t think about doing that. I think that your subject was interesting and you had a great hook.
It’s good that the girl wanted to run away, but then decided that she wanted to go home. The part about the cops was a little mysterious because I thought that they were trying to kill her at first. My favorite line was, “It took only one shot, a scream echoed through the woods.” It grabs people’s attention and it’s interesting. My advice is to elaborate more on the part when he tells her the truth. I felt like you rushed that part. Also, if he laughed so loud, wouldn’t the cops hear him?
I liked this story because it took a turn I didn't expect. It made me think that even if you think you know a person, they may still be hiding something from you. After reading this story, I felt intensity, but to me that means that it is very well written.
The main character does change over the story, but her epiphany doesn't come until the end. Diana realizes that Eric is dangerous and not trustworthy because he killed a man. By the time she realizes this however, it is too late to do anything. The story is dependent on the main character's personality because she wanted to leave the small town she lived in, and that ended up killing her.
My favorite part was the very beginning and very end because they were written almost the same; it started with a dead body in the woods and finished with the same thing.
"It took only one shot, a scream echoed through the woods." This line pretty much sums up the end of the story, and it tells that the girl dies in the end. IT stood out to me because it was so simple, but very intense.
The best quality of this story is probably the plot. The idea was good, to have a person who seemed normal, but was really a killer. I thought everything worked well together, and the story flowed.
Next time, I would advise you to expand the climax a little. When Eric was telling Diana about killing a kid from high school, it seemed rushed, and maybe could have been written more thoroughly. Overall, i really liked your story and thought it was written very well. =)
wow that story kind of gave me the creeps. but it was really thought out. i loved hou made your last paragraph first and last, that is a very interesting way to put together a story. i felt scared for the girl i would have been freakin out.
i don't think your main character changed at all. yeah she wanted to run away but i don't really much about her than she lives with her grandma and i guess eric was her boyfrined. if she had of thought about not running away maybe she would have never died.
well i guess my favoriet part would be... i guess the intro. it just seemed so mysterious and creepy. it made me want to read more. my fav quote would be "It took only one shot, a scream echoed through the woods." i picked this quote cause it made me wonder what happened, so that made me want to read the rest of the story.
the best thign about your story is how you put everything together. i think it is one of the best stories i've read sa far. itw as amazing.
one piece of advice that i would like to give you would be to watch out for "use of wrng words" ex. you used her instead of him. but other than that it was great. good job.
Emma,
your story was really good! The twist at the end was clever. It made me think of those classic mystery stories. She knew too much so she had to die.
You think that Eric is good and then he just turns around and murders Diana. This character change is unexpected but important to the story.
I liked the part with the police. It was dark and mysterious and set a good feel to the rest of the story. "Two figures in long, black trench coats were walking down the eerily quiet street."
Overall, the best quality was the twist at the end. If anything, I would add more of their conversation before Eric kills her. Good job!!
hey emma,
Wow! Your story was really good! After reading this, I'm wicked shocked! It really surprised me. Diana seemed to emotionally change during this story. She got really sad, and happy, and then scared. My favorite part was the ending. It surprised me so much! I'm still in disbelief. Your story also got really intresting in the middle, when Diana didn't know what was happening. My favorite quality here is the surprise. The only advice I can think of is to describe her boyfriend more, since we didn't know anything about him. Overall, it kept me on my toes! Awesome job!
Emma,
I loved your story! I never saw that ending coming. All that I can see in my mind is when Eric told her that he killed someone and when he killed her. The main character doesn't change over the course of the story. In the beginning she wanted to get out of her town and to stay with Eric. If her personality was any different then she may have not left her grandma and have had the fate she had. My favorite part of the story was in the climax because you didn't know who the men in trench coats were and what they wanted with them. "Two figures in long, black trench coats were walking down the eerily quiet street." The best part of the story was the resolution because it gave the story a shocking twist. You never saw it coming, so it was a great example of the term element of surprise. I think that next time you may want to look at how you worded some of your sentences. Awesome Job!
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